OMG I've ruined her day!

While I accept that migraines are something that I have to live with, I really dislike some of the things I do while an attack is in progress. Take this morning for instance. I was feeling on top of the world this morning so thought it would be nice to have breakfast with my wife. It's something we don't get to do often these days as I frequently find food and their smells unpleasant in the mornings.

We were chatting away quite merrily when I realised I had said something I hadn't meant to. The words came out wrong which completely change the meaning. Fortunately she didn't notice (English isn't her first language. I thought "Oops, I hope she can get off to work before I put my foot in it". No such luck.

While she was cooking porridge on the ceramic cooktop she grabbed the cooktop cleaner and was about to apply it to the hot cooktop - not recommended! She's the most wonderful person in the world, but a housekeeper she is not. I tried to say "Leave it Honey, I'll do it later", but I couldn't form the words. What eventually came out was a very loud and shrill "STOP!". She wasn't the only one who was startled. I was too. It all went down hill from there. I tried to explain what I really meant to say, and why I would do it after she left for work - cooktop should be cool and need to scrape any burnt residue first. What came out "Use scrapper first" in such a tone that it must have implied "Use the scrapper first you idiot!" Naturally she responded in what she thought was an appropriate manner. Let me tell you she has a talent with words.

I withdrew to the basement (dark and quiet) while she vented her fury. I don't think she had calmed down much by the time she left for work half an hour later. I tried practicing a few sentences in the hope that I could express an apology but realised it was beyond my ability. I could tell my speach was slurred, there were large blank zones in my vision and the ringing in my ears had gone up several decibels.

Fortunately there isn't much of a headache at the moment, and I don't feel too spaced out yet. Don't know if it's going to remain like this or if it's going to develop into something worse.

I really feel for my wife. I don't know what I can do to make her life more tolerable. I think spouses have a harder time of our disease than we do. It's definitely true in my case.

It's take me several hours to type this up and tidy it so that it's comprehensible. And I've been seriously considering whether I should post it or not. My frustration and anger has gone and I seem to have returned to "normal" apart from a throbbing headache, so the urge to shout to the world "I hate migraines" has gone. But on the other hand, there's probably other folk who have done similar thing and would appreciate knowing they are not alone in messing things up during an attack.

Thank you for taking the time to read my rant

Oh bless you - thank you for sharing that...........

I am sure we have all done similar things....... I can be quite abrupt apparently hee hee...

You have to understand that when this happens - this is not you - it the migraine - losing words can be so frustrating - they just go - and trying to get someone to understand is so hard............

I am in two minds here - On one hand I would like to suggest you show her your post - it is an apology......... on the other hand I can see why you need a place to vent........

Having a partner who understands this is so important - does she go to doctor appointments with you? Has she read up on HM and understand the changes it causes?

Try not to blame yourself - it really is NOT the real you xx

I notice that I had emailed the link to this thread shortly after I posted it. Not sure if it was as a way of apology or an explanation. Don't remember doing it. I often email things to her if I feel it's important at the time and she's not about. I tend to forget too many things. Emailing is a sure way that she'll discover it eventually.

I don't know if she's read it yet as when she got home yesterday she found me sitting outside looking very much like a drooling zombie. I didn't realise I had sent the email until this morning, so not sure if she's read it yet. I'll check when she gets home.

I realise it's not me, but I think she has a hard time accepting it and takes my actions personally. The problem is I can't read her reactions during an attack. I just can't read/feel emotions - mine or anybody else's.

Over recent years I've seen both psychiatrists and psychologists just in case there was something they could do to help. There wasn't. However, several of them said I exhibited traits of Asperger's Syndrome, but that I have mostly learned how to overcome/cope with it. They felt that I have adjusted to the condition well enough that they would not be able to give an "official" diagnosis of Aspergers. However, I am beginning to think that when a migraine strikes, I revert to a state more typical of someone with Asperger's. Just a theory, but I don't know how I could have this confirmed.

Forgot to mention my wife usually accompanies me to the doctors. If it's not her, it's someone else who has dealt with me when I'm having an attack. There's so many symptoms I'm not aware of, and if I'm not in the best condition during a visit, I'm very unlikely to offer unprompted information anyway.

It is so hard at times....... I hope she does read this at can understand that this illness is horrid and plays havoc with the way the brain works.......... x

I think the best way of putting it is that her head understands but her heart doesn't. So when I am Ok, she can rationalise everything quite well, but when I'm bad she gets so stressed out it becomes upsetting to me. There's no support or respite available to carers, so she's very much on her own.

Hi my partner has Aspergers and at anytime he is stressed or ill he 'goes Aspie' big time.

I mean this in the nicest way as anyone who knows me will tell you he is the dearest chap.

The way we figure it is that people with AS work really hard trying to conform to social niceties. So every interaction (even though not consciously) with other people really takes it's toll on him. All that extra thinking and processing really wears you out. SO although you probably pootle along reasonably well generally using your own coping strategies, if a migraine hits you don't have the energy to keep all that mental processing going. So it all comes tumbling out ..with the migraine on top of this effecting your speech it is a monumental effort to put a sentence together, let alone deal with correcting the executive functioning aspect of your Aspergers tendencies.

It's just way too much to deaL with..I don't have AS but I am snappy when I have a migraine so throwing in the other misfires that AS gives you must be really hard.

My partner has to have quiet time away from us all just to get his head back in order. Explain to your wife when you are feeling well how this all pans out and that you feel terribly sad if you upset her etc.

Maybe a chart on the wall with colours may help during these times. Say a red sticker goes on if you need to be alone, an orange one for I feel sad/low/am struggling but it's not your fault and green for OK..you could make up your own colours and what they mean etc to suit your needs.

It sounds a bit childlike but it needs to be simple so that you can manage to work it when you are under stress. Also she will know when is the right time to approach you and offer help etc.

This could work for both of you as she may feel she needs time alone too. As you so rightly stated being a carer carries it's own stresses.

I hope you find a solution but communication is definitely the key here...however you decide to work it.

I wish you all the very best.
Jane
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